I’ve never understood why people want to put the Ten Commandments on public buildings. Especially their need to put them on courthouses. I mean, wouldn’t the Bill of Rights be a little more appropriate?
Then one night I had a dream. I was in the Oval Office and I saw the Commandments posted on the wall. George W. Bush can post them because he is the President. Plus we are at war. That gives him an extra right to do whatever he wants.
Even in my dream I know this was important. So I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote them down. Rather than sell it for big bucks to the National Enquirer, or auction it on e-bay, I am giving you the exclusive.
1) I am the President. I don’t want any more whining about how I got here and stayed here. Thou shalt only think it’s important if I think it’s important. Thou shall not say anything that I do not like you saying.
2) You had better not have any other idol but me. Okay. American Idol doesn’t’ count. And after me, the most important people are my apostles Karl, Don, and Dick, Condi, Karen, and Andy. My brother Jeb, and my mom. Oh yea, Laura too because she’s part of that marriage sanctity thing. We are your champions, defending you from terror and evildoers. You must show us reverence and adore what we do. That way we can give you our love. Don’t make us mad.
3) God talks to me and I talk to you. If you don’t believe that what I say is the holy word ----that proves that you hate America and Freedom and Family Values. You are a bad nasty person. You are going to cause another terrorist attack. You probably are a terrorist. You deserve whatever happens to you when we find you. Oh, we will find you. We have our ways.
4) Remember 9/11 and keep my version of it holy. You had better not be listening to any strange gods or even thinking about anything that they have to say. Strange gods include the 9/11 Commission, those New Jersey women, Michael Moore,
and Cindy Sheehan.
And any liberal or progressive person that speaks out, especially on the internets. You better not worship different gods. I’m gonna find out!
5) Honor my decisions and those of my approved followers. I don’t want to hear any more questions or comments about:
2000 election and Florida
Not enough troops in Iraq
Disbanding the Iraqi Army
WMD weren’t found in Iraq
Guantameno, Abu Ghraib,
Torture or Geneva Conventions
Halliburton or Enron
Firing Karl or Dick or Donny,
My National guard record or whiners about ‘swiftboating’
Pre-9/11 intelligence that we ignored,
Phosphorus in Fallujah
Oil executives creating energy policy
That the Iraq Mission wasn’t accomplished (no more making fun of my flight suit either)
FEMA and Brownie
Katrina and New Orleans
Tom Delay, Jack Abramoff,
Bill Frist, Duke Cunningham, Scooter Libby
My colorful alert system for Homeland Security
Not finding Osama
FISA, NSA spying, eavesdropping
Communication boxes on my back
My Pet Goat
My well earned vacation time
Bad grades from the 9/11 Commission
2004 election and Ohio
Downing Street Memo
Jose Padilla and lack of charges
Foreign prisons and redaction
Military stretched thin
Lack of equipment for the military
John Walker Lindh was railroaded
Lack of VA benefits for them when they come back
Faked intelligence documents
If I missed anything on this list and you say something I don’t like I will send people to let you know.
6) You only can kill people that I say are bad. Bad people are always evildoers who hate freedom. It is okay to hurt them as much as you can without killing them. It’s important for them to admit that they are bad. Especially if they tell us about other freedom haters that we can kill. Oh yea, and criminals. I like fryin ‘em in the chair.
7) I am the only one who can fuck this country. You better not be lookin at Lady Liberty with some gleam in your eye. She’s mine, I’m the President. And I say that only my friends and I can fuck the following: poor people, middle class people, old people, and foreign people, people who serve or have served in the military. The Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Congress, the Supreme Court and any laws are things—not people—we have our own special ways of fucking them. You are not allowed to even ask about that.
8) I know what is best when it comes to money. I always have the American People in mind when I distribute funds to my friends. It is in your best interest for me to give them no bid contracts. It is not important what I say something will cost. If it costs more or I decide to spend less you have no right to disagree. I have the best interests of the American People at heart. Anything that doesn’t seem that way is all Clinton’s fault.
9) Liberals, Progressives, Libertarians and the ACLU have confused people about what the truth means. This is how something becomes true. I (or my apostles) say it is true.
We make sure that it is repeated over and over and over again. It doesn’t matter if we are not answering the question that was asked. Or if some fool thinks that there is proof that we are wrong. They have missed the point. If you say it over and over and over you make it true. That is the special right of the President and his apostles. If people are confused about that, change the subject and attack them. Remember it doesn’t have to be their version of truth. Only mine.
10) I think you need to learn your place. You want too many things. I am busy bringing freedom and democracy to the world. It is hard work. . I’ll let you know what to covet and when to covet. If those soldiers want better armor, that’s a sin. If you want a job or better health care, sounds like coveting to me. I know what you want and I remind you all the time. You want freedom. You want Democracy around the world. You want all the terrorists to go away and leave you alone. You want SUV’s and cheap oil. You want to be rich like me and my friends I know all about desires and cravings and yearnings. Trust me.